June 28, 2014; 3:23 a.m.

Dear Woman Who Used to Feed Me,
But Who Now Makes Strange Man Do It For Her:

Don't you think if I could figure out how to give you a terminal illness, I would have done so already?

My reasons for being cuddly are my own. I thank you to leave it alone.

-Tink

June 27, 2014; 11:56 p.m.

Dear Tink:

You have been inordinately cuddly for the past 3 days, with a minimal amount of biting, clawing and trouble-causing. I know something is up.

If I have a terminal illness, just tell me. I can handle it.

-Woman Who Feeds You