Dear Woman Who Feeds Me:
Last week, you watched a movie called "Frozen" with the little humans. It wasn't about me. I don't understand. I'm sure this will soon be rectified, when the current version flops. I have taken the liberty of re-writing the song for the inevitable re-boot. Please get this to the powers that be as soon as possible.
Also, please convince people to stop writing parodies of this song. They are all stupid and irritating.
Do you want to pet a Tinker?
She's getting awfully large...
She will not let you trim her claws,
she'll use her paws to show you she's in charge!
She used to be a kitten,
But now she's not.
And she has an attitude!
Do you want to pet a Tinker?
Perhaps it's best to leave a Tinker...
...all alone..
-Tink
Friday, December 12, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
September 8, 2014; 12:49 p.m.
Dear Tink:
Under no circumstances am I going to approve your release
from The Clowder House on Wiswell. In fact, I am placing you under arrest for
the attempted murder of one blue-tailed skink.
As the Arresting Officer, I personally witnessed the crime.
The details are as follows:
On or about Friday, September 5, 2014, I entered the dining
room of The Clowder House on Wiswell. There, I saw one Tinker Minion Nuisance
Horcrux Johnson (you) scurrying about with something under her (your) paws. Upon
closer inspection, it proved to be a blue-tailed skink.
Despite your obvious resistance, I was able to secure the
skink and place it safely outside. Upon returning to the dining room, I saw you
with a piece of the skink's blue tail hanging out of your mouth. You quickly
dropped it and ran away.
Fortunately for you, shedding its tail is part of the
skink's natural defense system. Predators like you (That's right. I called you
a predator.) are attracted to the skink's blue tail. When they attempt to grab
it, it falls off and the skink then grows another. Therefore, it is presumed that the skink was
unharmed. You, however, will not be.
As Arresting Officer, Judge, Jury and Supreme Overlord of
The Clowder House on Wiswell, I am hereby confining you to the library (again)
to await sentencing.
Pray that the Court is merciful.
-Woman Who Feeds You, (aka Supreme Overlord)
Sunday, August 31, 2014
August 31, 2014; 6:11 p.m.
Dear Woman Who Feeds Me:
I know there are kittens in this house. Two days ago, I distinctly heard "mewing" coming from the Harry Potter closet under the stairs. Yesterday, I caught the unmistakeable smell of "newborn feline" in the air. Plus, I saw them.
If you think for one minute that you are going to replace me with these mind-numbingly stupid creatures, just because they are tiny and cute and constantly purring .... then that is fantastic. Obviously you are experiencing the unfortunate, though sadly not uncommon, problem of prison overcrowding. I will happily volunteer to vacate the premises immediately so that you may accommodate these almost certainly slightly dangerous criminals.
Please return my personal effects to me and we will conclude our relationship - on bad terms.
-Tink
I know there are kittens in this house. Two days ago, I distinctly heard "mewing" coming from the Harry Potter closet under the stairs. Yesterday, I caught the unmistakeable smell of "newborn feline" in the air. Plus, I saw them.
If you think for one minute that you are going to replace me with these mind-numbingly stupid creatures, just because they are tiny and cute and constantly purring .... then that is fantastic. Obviously you are experiencing the unfortunate, though sadly not uncommon, problem of prison overcrowding. I will happily volunteer to vacate the premises immediately so that you may accommodate these almost certainly slightly dangerous criminals.
Please return my personal effects to me and we will conclude our relationship - on bad terms.
-Tink
Friday, July 25, 2014
July 25, 2014 11:32 a.m.
Dear Woman Who Feeds Me:
The orange cat in the bedroom, whom you call Quincy, is obviously having some intestinal "issues." I can smell his litter box an entire floor away. He shall henceforth be known as "The Great Polluter."
I do not usually approve of those who call themselves "veterinarians." But as it is him you will be taking and not me, please do so as soon as possible. Failing to provide for the medical needs of your inmates constitutes "cruel and unusual punishment." To me. I couldn't care less how you treat him, of course. Given the smell emanating from him, he probably deserves far worse.
Please remedy this immediately. Otherwise, I shall become unpleasant.
-Tink
Dear Tink -
Thank you for calling to my attention this very obvious problem. You will be happy to know that Quincy has already visited said veterinarian and been prescribed medication. Unfortunately, as I have been sick, too, I have not been very good at ensuring he gets the medication often enough. I have recently remedied this, and he is already showing great improvement.
I'm doing the best I can here, kitten, so GET OFF MY BACK!
-Woman Who Feeds You
Dear Woman Who Feeds Me -
Wait. So you are telling me that if you give an animal their medication, as prescribed, they get better? I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto this revolutionary concept!
*facepaw*
And I have never been "on your back." You would be unable to pet me there, so what would be the point? Climbing onto your back would only result in my tiny claws rendering your back a veritable collage of painful scratch marks.
Then again, I may not have thought this through completely.
-Tink
The orange cat in the bedroom, whom you call Quincy, is obviously having some intestinal "issues." I can smell his litter box an entire floor away. He shall henceforth be known as "The Great Polluter."
I do not usually approve of those who call themselves "veterinarians." But as it is him you will be taking and not me, please do so as soon as possible. Failing to provide for the medical needs of your inmates constitutes "cruel and unusual punishment." To me. I couldn't care less how you treat him, of course. Given the smell emanating from him, he probably deserves far worse.
Please remedy this immediately. Otherwise, I shall become unpleasant.
-Tink
Dear Tink -
Thank you for calling to my attention this very obvious problem. You will be happy to know that Quincy has already visited said veterinarian and been prescribed medication. Unfortunately, as I have been sick, too, I have not been very good at ensuring he gets the medication often enough. I have recently remedied this, and he is already showing great improvement.
I'm doing the best I can here, kitten, so GET OFF MY BACK!
-Woman Who Feeds You
Dear Woman Who Feeds Me -
Wait. So you are telling me that if you give an animal their medication, as prescribed, they get better? I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto this revolutionary concept!
*facepaw*
And I have never been "on your back." You would be unable to pet me there, so what would be the point? Climbing onto your back would only result in my tiny claws rendering your back a veritable collage of painful scratch marks.
Then again, I may not have thought this through completely.
-Tink
Thursday, July 24, 2014
July 24, 2014; 1:03 p.m.
Dear Tink:
It is becoming increasingly apparent that the other kitties here at The Clowder House on Wiswell are growing ever more disillusioned with the Tinktatorship in which they are living. I fear revolution is at hand.
As it was I who installed you as Tinktator, I fear for my own safety. Please improve your treatment of your subjects, or we shall both surely regret it.
For starters, I recommend you cease eating everyone else's food. Your political position on this issue, "Let Them Eat Tuna," is extremely unpopular.
Your immediate attention to this matter is appreciated.
-Woman Who Won't Be Able to Feed You If She Is Eaten Herself
P.S. And don't even THINK about changing your position to "Let Them Eat Woman Who Feeds Me."
It is becoming increasingly apparent that the other kitties here at The Clowder House on Wiswell are growing ever more disillusioned with the Tinktatorship in which they are living. I fear revolution is at hand.
As it was I who installed you as Tinktator, I fear for my own safety. Please improve your treatment of your subjects, or we shall both surely regret it.
For starters, I recommend you cease eating everyone else's food. Your political position on this issue, "Let Them Eat Tuna," is extremely unpopular.
Your immediate attention to this matter is appreciated.
-Woman Who Won't Be Able to Feed You If She Is Eaten Herself
P.S. And don't even THINK about changing your position to "Let Them Eat Woman Who Feeds Me."
Monday, July 21, 2014
July 21, 2014; 4:48 a.m.
Dear Tink -
If you devour one more internet cable, power cord, phone cord, television cord or cord of any kind, I will lock you in the Harry Potter closet under the stairs.
Seriously, cat. This is your last warning. If you so much as touch a piano chord in this house, you are going to regret it.
-Woman Who Feeds You
Dear Woman Who Feeds Me and Threatens to Lock Me in the Harry Potter Closet Under the Stairs:
Though I have not read the books myself, I believe that being locked in the closet under the stairs turned Harry Potter into some kind of witch. As I am already a black cat, the leap to evil wizard cannot be that far.
In conclusion: Try it. I dare you.
-Tink (otherwise known as Not-So-Serious Black)
If you devour one more internet cable, power cord, phone cord, television cord or cord of any kind, I will lock you in the Harry Potter closet under the stairs.
Seriously, cat. This is your last warning. If you so much as touch a piano chord in this house, you are going to regret it.
-Woman Who Feeds You
Dear Woman Who Feeds Me and Threatens to Lock Me in the Harry Potter Closet Under the Stairs:
Though I have not read the books myself, I believe that being locked in the closet under the stairs turned Harry Potter into some kind of witch. As I am already a black cat, the leap to evil wizard cannot be that far.
In conclusion: Try it. I dare you.
-Tink (otherwise known as Not-So-Serious Black)
Saturday, June 28, 2014
June 28, 2014; 3:23 a.m.
Dear Woman Who Used to Feed Me,
But Who Now Makes Strange Man Do It For Her:
Don't you think if I could figure out how to give you a terminal illness, I would have done so already?
My reasons for being cuddly are my own. I thank you to leave it alone.
-Tink
But Who Now Makes Strange Man Do It For Her:
Don't you think if I could figure out how to give you a terminal illness, I would have done so already?
My reasons for being cuddly are my own. I thank you to leave it alone.
-Tink
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