July 25, 2014 11:32 a.m.

Dear Woman Who Feeds Me:

The orange cat in the bedroom, whom you call Quincy, is obviously having some intestinal "issues." I can smell his litter box an entire floor away.  He shall henceforth be known as "The Great Polluter."

I do not usually approve of those who call themselves "veterinarians." But as it is him you will be taking and not me, please do so as soon as possible. Failing to provide for the medical needs of your inmates constitutes "cruel and unusual punishment." To me. I couldn't care less how you treat him, of course. Given the smell emanating from him, he probably deserves far worse.

Please remedy this immediately. Otherwise, I shall become unpleasant.

-Tink



Dear Tink -

Thank you for calling to my attention this very obvious problem. You will be happy to know that Quincy has already visited said veterinarian and been prescribed medication. Unfortunately, as I have been sick, too, I have not been very good at ensuring he gets the medication often enough. I have recently remedied this, and he is already showing great improvement.

I'm doing the best I can here, kitten, so GET OFF MY BACK!

-Woman Who Feeds You



Dear Woman Who Feeds Me -

Wait. So you are telling me that if you give an animal their medication, as prescribed, they get better? I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto this revolutionary concept!

*facepaw*

And I have never been "on your back." You would be unable to pet me there, so what would be the point? Climbing onto your back would only result in my tiny claws rendering your back a veritable collage of painful scratch marks.

Then again, I may not have thought this through completely.

-Tink

July 24, 2014; 1:03 p.m.

Dear Tink:

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the other kitties here at The Clowder House on Wiswell are growing ever more disillusioned with the Tinktatorship in which they are living.  I fear revolution is at hand.

As it was I who installed you as Tinktator, I fear for my own safety. Please improve your treatment of your subjects, or we shall both surely regret it.

For starters, I recommend you cease eating everyone else's food. Your political position on this issue, "Let Them Eat Tuna," is extremely unpopular.

Your immediate attention to this matter is appreciated.

-Woman Who Won't Be Able to Feed You If She Is Eaten Herself

P.S. And don't even THINK about changing your position to "Let Them Eat Woman Who Feeds Me."

July 21, 2014; 4:48 a.m.

Dear Tink -

If you devour one more internet cable, power cord, phone cord, television cord or cord of any kind, I will lock you in the Harry Potter closet under the stairs.

Seriously, cat.  This is your last warning.  If you so much as touch a piano chord in this house, you are going to regret it.

-Woman Who Feeds You



Dear Woman Who Feeds Me and Threatens to Lock Me in the Harry Potter Closet Under the Stairs:

Though I have not read the books myself, I believe that being locked in the closet under the stairs turned Harry Potter into some kind of witch.  As I am already a black cat, the leap to evil wizard cannot be that far.

In conclusion:  Try it.  I dare you.

-Tink (otherwise known as Not-So-Serious Black)