September 21, 2013 12:59 a.m.

Dear Woman Who Feeds Me:

Perhaps you did not realize it, but my library prison cell has an excellent view.  I can look through the crack in the pocket doors, directly into the family room - giving me an optimal view of the television set.

At first I thought this to be a good thing.  Entertainment would surely make my confinement go faster - and might even make the time somewhat enjoyable.

That assumption was quickly murdered and left for (un)dead last night, when you ordered World War Z on pay-per-view.  I cannot even begin to list all of the things that were so terrible about this movie. And there's actually no point in my even trying.  The fact that you purchased it in the first place clearly demonstrates a level of lunacy that would result in zero understanding of my criticisms.

Apparently Paramount spent over $125 million making this film.  That figure is sickening.  There are starving kittens in Appalachia!  Your priorities are in serious need of evaluation.  To quote the crab in The Little Mermaid:  "The human world, it's a mess."

That crab was a genius.

Mmmm.  Crab.

Please bring me my dinner now.

-Tink

P.S.  For your own protection, and to ensure that nothing like this ever happens again, I have taken the liberty of updating your Netflix queue.  The next 3 movies in your queue (Blue Valentine, My Week With Marilyn and Salmon Fishing in the Yemen) have been replaced with three jewels of American classic cinema:  The Aristocats, Puss In Boots and The Cat From Outer Space.

Although, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen may be allowed to remain if it is, indeed, about salmon.

Mmmm.  Salmon.